What Is and Never Was
by Madame Seshat
Summary: "We can't keep doing this Severus" she said, sitting up on the bed and wrapping the sheet around herself. "You say that every time"


"We can't keep doing this Severus" she said, sitting up on the bed and wrapping the sheet around herself. Her guilt was obvious by the look on her face and her posture as she hunched over, drawing her knees to her chest. Her lover looked at her sadly, his intense stare burning a hole in her back. He leant over to press soft kisses to her neck and collarbone, and she unintentionally tilted her head back to give him more access.

"You say that every time" she felt him smirk against her skin and she pulled away, her eyes glinting angrily as she shoved his shoulder when he tried to do it again. He realised she was serious and sat up, looking at her solemnly

"I mean it – I can't do this. It's not fair on James" His face screwed up into a sneer automatically on the mention of her husband.

"Now you worry about Saint Potter's feelings. I hate to break this to you but it's a little bit late for that" She flinched, her face screwing up at his words as she looked down at the gold band on the fourth finger of her left hand, the embodiment of the vows she had been breaking for almost a year now.

Severus' eyes softened and regret filled them, replacing the burning jealousy that overtook him whenever he thought of his childhood tormentors. He didn't have the right to feel jealous – she had promised his sexual release, not an emotional relationship. "I'm sorry Lils" he whispered to her, sounding almost as broken as she did. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder to pull her into his chest, unable to stop himself from pressing a loving kiss to her fiery hair. She didn't seem to notice. "If you truly wish to discontinue our…" he struggled to find the right word for their relationship, tried not to speak the endearments that she so hated from his lips, struggled not to let his voice crack as he offered her a way out from what was the only good thing in his life.

"I should do" she sighed into the crook of his neck, the feel of her soft, sweet smelling breath of his neck, combined with the inferred admission of her words, making his pulse jump. She pressed her lips gently to the area, making him groan. "But I can't" she finished "Why are you so addictive to me Sev?"

He wanted to answer her, but thinking in full sentences was near impossible as she straddled his lap so he could look properly into her sparkling green eyes, dulled with pain and guilt, bagged with sleepless nights but still more beautiful and alive than anyone he had ever met. He leant up to kiss her deeply, and she allowed the sheet to fall between them. "If only I knew, love" he groaned, loving the feel of her bare chest pressed against his.

He knew he had said the wrong thing as she stiffed against his touch, and he cursed himself for allowing the word to escape his lips. She got off of him and grabbing her wand from the hotel's bedside cabinet, she scourgified herself. Her walk to the bathroom, where their clothes were piled from their shower earlier, made it painfully obvious what she planned to do.

"Lily wait – I'm sorry. Please don't go" he cried, grabbing her arm to stop her from escaping. She was slipping through his fingers, just like she had in fifth year. Just like then, it was because of a single word he said. The gods had a cruel sense of humour. Her eyes were hard as she turned around to face him, her elbow still caught in his hand.

"We aren't like that anymore. Maybe at one point we could have…" she paused, taking a deep breath to compose herself. If it were anyone else but him, she probably could have disguised the anguish behind the thick walls of resentment. Both emotions stung, and he had to hurry to catch her up as she continued on her journey "But we didn't, and I'm married to James and you are a Death Eater. We took different paths"

"Then why are we here?" Snape asked, frustrated as he watched her pull on her jeans and a jumper. His voice calm as he too grabbed his clothes, and asked her gently "Why do our paths converge here"

"They can't do" she whispered, dropping her socks to the floor. Finally tears began to form. She could see Severus' longing to pull her into his arms, to soothe her, to make everything OK. She knew that she should fight it but she was too weak, so when he offered her his embrace, she took it, wetting his pale chest with salty tears. They didn't know how long they stood there, offering and receiving comfort from each other, but they stayed long after her wracking sobs had stopped.

He cupped her cheek when she looked up at him, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. His eyes were an open book, adoration shining out of them, mingled with pain and regret. She shuddered at the intensity of it. His lips grazed hers when she finally managed to say "We can't"

Her voice was weak, but he jerked back as though burned. That was the first time she had actively refused his advances without a solid, practical reason. He went to step away, but she reached for his hand. The indecision was obvious, but in the end, he stood still with his occlumency shields up, allowing her to continue. "We can't because… I'm pregnant Sev"

Severus Tobias Snape froze at her words permeated through his brain. A baby? That wasn't possible was it – how could she be? He hated children – and an infant would ruin everything for them, for her. She couldn't finish Auror training with a little brat on her hip, and she wouldn't be able to sneak out to visit him either.

Then, the image of the child appeared in his head. A little boy with thick raven hair and bright green eyes, an aquiline nose that made him look slightly too old for his age and a small pile of potion's books in hand. He was smiling, slightly crooked teeth from his father just accentuating his looks, in Severus' opinion anyway. Behind him, Lily had a hand on his shoulder, smiling at a person in the distance. The picture was enchanting, seductive – something he knew he would defeat the Dark Lord for hundreds of times over in order to make a reality.

But his revelation was broken by a single thought. "Whose is it?" he asked darkly, his immensely brilliant mind showing him a miniature James Potter being hugged by his mother, whilst his arrogant father watched on smugly, taunting Snape with his son.

She saw Lily's face fall "I don't know" she said, "Isn't that stupid. I don't know who the father of my baby is – what sort of a slut am I?"

"You aren't a slut Lily, and don't you ever call yourself that again" he said, grabbing hold of her shoulders. She looked at him. This time deep breathing did not help her and she her felt tears spring to life again. "What if it is yours? What will I do?"

"I can brew you the potion to abort it" Severus said, the thought heavy in his heart

"No - how can I punish a poor baby for my own stupid mistake?" she asked wiping her eyes

"Is that what this is Lily – a mistake?" he asked, indicating them, the hotel, the baby. There was an all encompassing ache in his chest.

"Of course it's a mistake – but possibly the best one I ever made" a hand went to her stomach, cradling a bump that didn't yet exist "No – I made my bed so I'll lie in it. It won't be easy, but I can look after it on my own. I could always move back to the muggle world – they're kinder to single mothers there at least"

"You won't be on your own Lily" Severus said, covering her hand with his "I'll care for it"

"I can't let you do that Sev – you have your own life, a job. You can't be seen with a mudblood like me. And you hate children"

"Don't call yourself that" he said sharply, before continuing "I don't care. I hate my job and my life in general. There is nothing to give up Lily, and everything to gain"

"There's no point discussing it anyway" Lily said firmly "You can't leave You-Know-Who – he'd kill you"

"I'll take the risk" he moved her free hand to his chest and held it there "My heart beats for you – you know that. You've always known" She looked away, trying weakly to pull her hand from his. He pressed on "To raise our child would be the biggest honour I'd know and I'd risk the Dark Lord's wrath any day to spend a single moment together, as a family"

She looked up, a small spark of hope appearing in her eyes "What if he finds us?"

"He won't – we can look at properties abroad – the Dark Lord is yet to reach America, or Australasia. We could beg refuge, buy a house. Dumbledore would be Secret Keeper for you. We could be together, protect our little one" His hand rest lightly on her stomach "And when its time, we could go back"

Tears were dripping silently down her face, but Severus could see she was relenting, giving in to the life that he had already been captivated by. The picture he was painting was beautiful, something he could only have fantasised about before. Something he had fantasised about back when they were best friends and he was completely smitten. Not much had really changed since then, except now the image was tantalisingly within his reach.

"You would look after me when James left?" she asked, and he nodded, unable to speak as a lump filled his throat. She sounded, unsure, childlike. "We could have a proper house – in the country. With land for our child to play in"

"And a swing" Severus contributed, trying not to smile as he remembered playing this back when they were 9 and 'engaged to be married' "You loved playing on them when you were younger"

"I think I'm a bit old for that now Sev" she said, smiling very slightly. His heart leapt. He was making progress, and soon he would never have to see that frown on her again. She could be his, to have and to hold, love and cherish until death they did part.

"I was thinking more for our baby, love" he smiled at her. She smiled back, her eyes sparkling in a way that filled the world with colour, though he hadn't realised that it was grey before. He smiled back at her, a true smile, something he felt like he hadn't done since they were 15. No, he was sure he hadn't done it since he was 15 – his happiness depended entirely on her. Without her he was nothing but a shade, a sliver of what he truly was and what he could be.

"A kitchen diner would be nice as well" she said "And a big table – I've always wanted a big family"

"Not too Weasley-esque I hope" Snape grinned, ecstatic at the idea of more children.

"No – six sounds a bit painful if I'm completely honest" Lily said, falling backwards onto the bed and crossing her ankles. Severus sat next to her

"Not quite as simple as a stork dropping the baby down a chimney" he said innocently. She snorted and hit his shoulder

"I never really believed that – I just wanted to see if I could fool you" she said, leaning her head onto his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her waist in return, placing a hand on her stomach as though he could already feel his child growing there. He almost imagined he could, tiny flutterings of magic sparking against his fingers.

"Of course" he said, kissing her temple. She turned to him and dragged him down into a long, drugging kiss. She explored every inch of his mouth with her questing tongue, as though it were the first time. He followed her down so they were lying flat on the bed, touching each other with tender, teasing caresses until she was pressing herself into his hand, their clothes lost to the room.

As he positioned himself, he looked down at her sweat covered form and felt a surge of love that left him so overwhelmed in its intensity that he wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry. They had never made love in this way, a subconscious nod to the fact she wasn't actually his, and that before this moment, he was, for want of a better term, her mistress. He made her an adulterer and on one level, she hated him for that. But now, as he sank into her waiting heat and felt her love radiating from her, they were just two lovers, celebrating in the newly discovered life of their child and the glorious future that awaited them.

He woke the next morning to find her already dressed. She was gently stroking the hair back from his face and he reached for the hand so he could press kisses to the fingertips, smiling tenderly at her. She looked apprehensive, scared and he asked "When do you want to tell James?"

She looked confused for a moment, as though unsure what he was talking about. The sparkle in her eyes dimmed, but despite herself, he could still see the glimmer of excitement his words from last night had brought her. "I suppose the sooner the better… we just need to cast the Paternity charm"

Severus looked at her a second. He had entirely forgotten they had never actually confirmed that he was the father. But it was clear that they both had come to a mutual agreement that the Potter's marriage was not going to end on good terms. But he would be there to pick up the pieces and take them to a new life.

"So how does it work?" he asked her, as she got her wand. She made an adorable face as she attempted to remember the spell but she eventually looked at him to answer the question.

"It will cast a silver line between the father and the child, only visible by the caster" Lily said, staring at his chest in concentration. He bent down and kissed her, and she shivered, licking her lips as though to capture his essence. She looked sad, despite the smile on her face, something that didn't quite sit well with Severus. He took her chin in his hand and peered into her eyes, respecting her too much to break in using Legilimency

"I love you" he told her, amazed that this was the same woman who flinched at the word 'darling' only last night. Her eyes flicked around the room, and she bit her bottom lip as she deliberated her response.

"And I love you" she eventually replied, and Severus felt his heart lift, knowing without a doubt that she was telling the truth. He felt elated, pressing his lips back to hers, laughing as she pushed him away to cast the charm.

She stood still, staring at her stomach incredulously. Severus' eyes narrowed "What does it say?" he questioned, feeling a lead weight drop into his stomach at her lack of response. She didn't reply for a moment, continuing to stare steadfastly at the floor. When she finally looked up, her eyes were conflicted. He winced and finally voiced his doubts "I'm not the father?" he asked, disbelievingly.

She didn't say anything and Severus felt a lump rise in his throat. The dreams that had sprung up overnight disappeared in a flash of smoke and bitter disappointment. He tried to say something to her, to comfort her as tears appeared in her eyes, but he couldn't. It were as though his throat had closed over, choking anything he tried to say. She still hadn't said anything, wet trails appearing on her cheeks. Severus just felt empty, a hollowness he hadn't felt since fifth year, since he'd joined the Death Eaters, since his mother died. It hurt, and his eyes pricked dangerously. He blinked rapidly, refusing to let himself cry when he had gone so long without doing so.

He took deep breaths to try and calm himself, slamming his occlumency shields into place. It helped, slightly. He opened his arms to her, realising she was in just as much pain as he was, but she ignored him. What remained of his heart shattered as she looked right past him. She put on the remainder of her clothes, and placed her wand in her sleeve to head towards the door. He was paralysed, unable to stop her. If she wanted to leave…

She stopped right in front of him and finally he moved to look into her eyes, silently pleading for her to stay. She pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his forehead "I'll see you soon" she said to him, their usual parting words, before heading towards the door. He tried to call her name but all he could feel was himself falling and falling, and there was no way out. She was leaving him again, just like before.

The ache encompassed his entire being and he was violently sick into the toilet bowl. He lay on the floor, pressing his cheek to the cold tile. She said she would be coming back soon, but they both knew that was a lie. She would be going back to her entirely oblivious husband, she would stay with him and have his baby and they would live happily ever after. And he would never see her again. But he wouldn't stop loving her. He would keep himself in favour with the Dark Lord, keep her and their child-that-never-was safe.

The next year she was dead.

* * *

**For some reason, I had the idea for this story after watching a friend get off the bus to see her boyfriend. This entire scene came to bme all but fully formed and I rushed to get it written down. It is also the inspiration for a longer story from Lily's point of view which is about how she and Severus got back together after Hogwarts. It currently stands at about 10'000 words and growing, so that will hopefully be coming to you soon (though reviewing this will give me incentive to write more frequently!)**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Please Review**


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